Can't Do This Anymore
by BurumaBabe
Summary: The second in an as yet to be named series of shorts. No offense is meant by anything inside. Follows 'Nothing Left To Give' Reviews are appreciated!


Disclaimer: I own no characters that occur within the Stephanie Plum series. Nor do I own anything that comes from the brilliance of JR Ward. pouting Though I wish I could claim the BDB.

No spoilers really.

_Dedicated to Kym—for you babe! Got a few more to come!_

**_Can't Do This Anymore_**

_By: BurumaBabe_

**Stephanie got into** her car feeling lighter than she had in a long time. Finally getting it out, telling her mom what she thought, how she felt, while difficult and painful, had been liberating. It had been too long since she had given her backbone a workout.

A nice long soak in the tub would round out the exercise perfectly, she thought as she turned the key in the ignition.

Thoughts of a quiet, relaxing bubble bath occupied her mind the whole drive back to her apartment. The anticipation she had been feeling evaporated as she pulled into the lot and saw a familiar SUV parked near the door. Sighing, Steph angled her car into the only parking spot left—the one by the dumpster, of course. I never have good parking karma, she thought as she got out and walked past the shiny SUV, eyeing it and the prime spot it occupied with irritation.

**Steph bypassed the** elevator, opting to take the stairs and get a handle on what was running through her head. She paused in the stairwell, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Squaring her shoulders, she pushed through the door and walked to her apartment, not bothering with her keys since she knew it wasn't going to be locked.

**Joe was sprawled** on her couch, drinking a beer, watching TV when she walked in.

"Hey Cupcake," he said glancing at her quickly before returning his attention to ESPN.

"What are you doing here, Joe?" Steph asked as she dropped her keys and purse on the breakfast bar.

Joe looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean? I brought beer and pizza, thought we could watch the Ranger game."

Steph sighed and turned around. "Joe, did you forget that we're not together at the moment? That you gave me yet _another_ ultimatum about my job? Did you forget my answer?"

"Cupcake, you know you didn't _mean_ that." Joe got off the couch and came over to where she was standing, wrapping his arms around her. A look of surprise crossed his face when Steph didn't melt into his arms. Undaunted, he nuzzled her neck, murmuring, "Come on Cupcake, don't be like that, the boys miss you."

Taking her hands off her hips, Steph slid them up Joe's chest. Knowing he was expecting her to capitulate, she braced her hands on his pecs and shoved. Hard.

"What the? Steph!" Joe sputtered as he stumbled backwards.

Steph watched him regain his footing, counting down in her head, waiting for the explosion. Five, four, three, two, one.

"What the hell, Steph? What was that about? Why the hell'd you shove me like that? I was just trying—"

"EXACTLY, Joe. You were just trying to get in my pants. _'The boys miss you, Cupcake._' Seriously. Did you think I was just going to roll over and be right back here in another month or two? I'm tired of this. Back and forth, back and forth. I feel like a goddamn yo-yo between you and my mother. And you know what? It ends tonight. I'm going to enlighten you, Joe, just like I did my mother."

"Enlighten? What the hell are you talking about Steph?"

"Just that, Joe. I'm going to set you straight on a few things, once and for all. Us, my job, my friends—'

"This is about Manoso, isn't it? Steph, he's—"

"Enough. This isn't about Ranger, doesn't stem from Ranger. This is about you and me, or, rather, the lack of an 'us'. It's just like you said, Joe. There's you and me and sometimes we're together. But even when we're together, we _aren't_. When we aren't being serious, you call because you want to get laid. And the next morning you're gone until the next time the Rangers are on TV or you have an itch that needs to get scratched. When we try for serious, all we do is fight between bouts of sex. And yes, they are _bouts _of sex. It's always a fight for who's on top, who's in control. We've never been able to find some kind of middle ground that won't disintegrate under us within a few months, in anything, and I understand now, that where we each are in our lives, we never will."

Joe went to interrupt but Steph calmly held her hand up, effectively silencing him.

"You don't like my job, my friends, hell, half the time you don't like _me_. You want me Joe; you just don't want _all_ of me. You want to pick and choose what you like and change what you don't. Well, that's ok, to an extent. Everyone changes in a relationship. It's a given. But you aren't willing to do the same. Sure, you make an effort for a little while, but I know you'll just slip back into your old habits of keeping things from me, of ultimatums and everything else that destroys any chance of a _real_ relationship, and I won't be a part of that circle anymore. We've run this track too many times. I don't have enough left to do it anymore."

"Cupcake, Steph. We wouldn't have these problems if you had the sense to understand that your job is going to get you killed one of these days. And Ranger—"

Steph clenched her jaw and took a calming breath. "I've already said that this isn't about Ranger. Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Ranger is not part of this discussion. That's final."

Steph watched as Joe took a moment to rein in his temper and his knee-jerk reaction to disagree. Exhaling loudly, he said, "Fine, Cupcake. This isn't about Ranger. This is about _us_. Steph, you know that I want to marry you, have a life with you—"

"Did you ever think that maybe I _don't_ want to get married again, Joe?" Steph said quietly. "Maybe I'm not cut out for marriage, for a piece of paper and a pair of rings that only tells the world what two people should know and feel in their hearts. Maybe I don't want kids. At the moment, I can honestly say that children, while cute, don't fit with who I am right now. In a few years who knows, but it may never, Joe."

"Come on, Steph. You're just nervous and I understand that. Your first marriage didn't work out, but we're different."

**"Yup. That's right. Got myself tied in a knot until I walk down that aisle."** Steph rolled her eyes. "You don't hear a _word_ I'm saying, do you?" When Joe went to say something in his defence, Steph shook her head at him. "Just don't, Joe. It's like I said, we're never going to find that common ground where we're at right now. You need someone, you _want_ someone, like Valerie. Someone who wants to have kids and take care of her husband and their house. Neither of us are really 'burg' in the truest sense Joe, but over the years, you've moved further and further from the shoulder of the road, where we both had been for so long. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's time for you I guess. It's just not time for me."

"But Steph, I know you'll see that I'm right, we just need to work on us some more. Just us, no one getting in the way, confusing you."

Steph shook her head sadly. "No Joe. It's over. I can't do this anymore." Saying the words with finality left her feeling lighter yet again. The feeling was bittersweet as she watched Joe pace in front of her. She knew what he was going to say when he came to a stop and turned to face her.

"What the hell am I supposed to do, Cupcake? I love you. I don't want to give you up. I don't want to let go of us. We're good together, we are, if you look past our differences. What am I supposed to tell my mother? She's waiting for us to get married, I told her I was going to ask you to marry me. Was going to ask you to move in with me, have my children, be my wife."

**"Oh for fuck's sake, get off the cross. Someone else needs the wood."** Steph snapped, annoyed. She had been prepared for what she knew Joe was going to say, had known that Joe was going to ask her to marry him. She had tried to do this without hurting him anymore than was necessary. Obviously Plan A wasn't working. Time for Plan B.

"Joe, I'm trying to be honest with you. To be mature about this. I'm going to say this once and for all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being railroaded, pressured, of not being 'enough' no matter what I do, by my mother, by you, by the burg. I'm done. I've had enough. I'm sick of not being in control of my life, of living it to make other people happy. At the end of the day, what matters is that I make _me_ happy. Otherwise, I'll wake up one day, eighty years old and realize that I lived half a life. That I didn't live _my_ life. I refuse to condemn myself to a life of misery, which is _exactly_ what I'll be doing if I don't stand up for myself and do what I feel is right. I need to be happy in my life and my choices before I can worry about everyone else. And that's what I'm going to do."

She took a deep breath and looked in his eyes, her gaze level and serious. "We have a lot of history, Joe. I'd like to part on good terms, maybe be friends one day. But if you can't, I can accept that. And I'll hope that one day, when you're ready, you'll be able to let go and we can be friends, or at least, be acquaintances. It's your call. You don't have to decide now. I'm going to go for a drive or something. I'll talk to you when I see you."

Steph turned and picked up her purse and keys. When she got to the door she paused and softly said, "Goodbye Joe."

Leaving her apartment, Steph closed her eyes against tears for a chapter in her life closed and let a hint of a smile curve her lips at the loosening of the knot in her stomach.

_**From the fabulous JR Ward, author of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. Lover Eternal, page 4**_

_**From the fabulous JR Ward, author of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. Lover Enshrined, page 280**_


End file.
